Safe Inside Myself
by Yet-Another-Weasley
Summary: She never loved; never lived; never took any chances. She did what was asked of her and never thought of herself. All she did was hide the anger and sadness, but it all finally caught up to her.
1. chapter 1 Thinking

Title: Safe Inside Myself

Description: She never loved; never lived; never took any chances. She did what was asked of her and never thought of herself. All she did was hide the anger and sadness, but it all finally caught up to her.

Disclaimer: I don't own CSI or hardly anything really. If I did, I probably wouldn't be living out here in the Pine Barrens, worrying about writing essays and typing up labs and missing the bus every morning at 6:30.

Thoughts

She hadn't wanted to leave, but just about everyone back at the lab made her and so now she lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling, staring into her thoughts. She shivered, despite the fact that it was eighty degrees out and her windows were open to let in the fresh night air.

Her headphones were on, she listening to the gentle music of "Lthlorien." She'd been doing this for a while; listening to her headphones before she slept. She would sort out her the thoughts and emotions that when she wasn't by herself, she tried to hide. Grissom had let her in on that secret. He told her it would help keep her mind off of work and the cases that they work on. So far, it was working.

Now, she thought about her past; something else she had been trying to hide since she had moved here from San Francisco. She had stopped getting letters from her mother and her father stopped calling to check up on here a year and a half ago. Perhaps it was better that way. Wasn't she allowed any privacy, or did she have to be watched constantly like some little kid? She just needed a break from that and while taking a break from one part of her life, she seemed to be over working another.

Recently, the whole team kept telling her that she looked so tired and that she needed rest. She'd even heard Greg and Nick talking about her. Since when did they care about how she was doing? It didn't make sense. She never really went out of her way to talk to anyone, not really anyway. When she was young and in high school she had always sat by herself and kept her focus on her work. She didn't have any friends; she kept herself from making them, especially after what happened.

Her only friend had died on her. It all flooded back to her now. There they were, walking down the street to the library and there was a man who smiled at them as they passed the trolley stop. He seemed like some friendly guy that you might pass on the street and even wave to even though you didn't know him, but this guy was different. This guy pulled out a gun and shot her friend and then ran. Sara bent down and pulled the body of her friend onto her lap. She rocked back and forth, holding her dying friend in her arms until finally her friend's eyes closed and her chest no longer moved up and down with her each and every breath. Her life was gone. It was then that Sara realized that people were always going to hurt her, no matter if it was the kids at school who laughed at her, or her best friend who died in her arms. She had decided that it wasn't worth getting too close to people. She would just live her life and die; hopefully it wouldn't be that bad.

But, her experiences also made her mad at the world, not just depressed by it. That was why she chose to be a crime scene analyst; to help the world and maybe that would give her something to be happy about. After a while, she learned that no matter where she went, the world was cruel, but she also met people that could make it feel better. That's where she is today; Las Vegas, Nevada, and those people are the rest of the crime lab team. Sometimes they were a pain, sometimes she hated them, but most of the time, she didn't know what she'd do without them.

Finally, her eyelids grew heavy and they fluttered closed. Her headphones shut off at the end of the CD and she drifted off to sleep.

Sweet Lullaby

Her eyes moved swiftly under her eyelids; a dream. Paperwork was everywhere, spilt carelessly over the desk and computer; it was a reckless night. She was all alone in the lab, but she felt that that she was surround; she couldn't take it and so, she fled. It wasn't long before she was one highway 15; her car was the only on the road.

Where was everyone?

Her foot felt heavy on the pedal; the hand of the speedometer was rising steadily. Everything around her was a blur. She had to get away from it all, she had to.

Just keep driving, she said to herself, everything will be back to normal again, just keep driving.

There was something on the road now. Fearing that it was a person, she swerved. Veering off to the right, she totaled her Denali and was lucky to still be alive.

What have I done? I need help. Instinctively, she reached for her cell phone, but that had been smashed in the crashed. She was stuck; helpless.

She realized that she was dying, inside and out and there was nobody there to help her, nobody at all. All she could do was wait until death took her away.

Just a dream, that's all it was. She awoke suddenly and stared into the room, examining the wood trim around the door into the hall and the dresser that was stained a cherry red. She was still there in her apartment and the time was 4:30PM. Time to wake up, but she wished she hadn't woken up like that; with the images from her nightmare still burning in her head. It had frightened her and she knew that something like that could have happened if the police hadn't pulled her over for DUI.

She sat on the edge of the bed and finally showered and dressed for work. Maybe it would be better to get out of the house; to be around the people she knew. And she knew that a cup of coffee would make her feel a hell of a lot better, too.

Reality

The glass door shut behind her and she walked into the locker room; alone. It was early yet and the rest of the team hadn't shown up, besides Grissom. Sara had seen his car in the parking lot, in the same spot where it usual was. After tossing her things into the locker, she went to go file a bit of paper work and see if Grissom had something she could get working on.

As she walked by Grissom's office, Grissom saw her and stood up. For a while, he had noticed that she wasn't acting herself; she was upset about something.

"Hey, Sara, are you okay?" he asked as he rounded the corner and met her in the hallway.

She looked up and saw him standing there in front of her. Why could he read her so well? She couldn't tell him anything, she didn't want him to be worried about her. "Yeah," she started, "I'm fine."

"No, you're not." He replied, startling Sara with his response, "You know, you don't lie very well. Now, will you tell me what's wrong?"

"I've just been thinking," her eyes turned towards the ground, "Just about my past; family and friends. And I don't know." Her eyes turned back up to his, as if asking if he had a response.

And he did, "Well, you know that you don't have to hide what's bothering you. I care about you, all of us care about you. You know that, right?" She bit her lip and shook her head. "Alright, well, I have some paperwork to file and as soon as the rest of the team gets here, we can actually start our shift and get to work."

"Alright, I'm going to go get some coffee and work on some stuff." She looked at him once more and then went off down the hall.

He cared about her, why would he care about her? She asked herself. But that was a stupid question to ask. He cared about all of them; they were his team, his family. She now saw that he didn't care about her more than the others; it was just part of the job to keep everyone safe.

Sighing, she sat poured herself a cup of coffee and picked up the daily newspaper. There wasn't anything interesting; an article about some local sports team, some recipes for the summer, tips to keep your lawn looking healthy. Although some people might actually pay fifty cents to read this type of thing, Sara was not very amused. Luckily, the rest of the team arrived shortly and she would soon have something to work on.

"Hey Sara," Catherine walked into the room and set down some stuff, "Been here very long?"

"Just long enough to make grab a cup of coffee and take a look at the paper."

"And talk to Grissom…"

"How do you know?"

"I asked him if you were here and he gave me _that look_."

"Oh." She turned her eyes away from Catherine's, which were searching deep inside her to find the answer to her unasked question.

"I'm not going to make you tell me what's wrong, that's up to you," Catherine stated simply.

"Not right now, I just need to sort out some stuff. It's just…maybe later." She left the room, not knowing where she could go. If Catherine knew something was bothering her, then she would tell the rest of the team and they'd probably try to cheer her up all day.

She passed Grissom's office again and stopped. She had a feeling that he was the only person that could make her feel better. Turning around, she walked in and sat down by his desk.

"What's up?" he asked, not looking up from whatever he was doing.

She didn't say anything for a while, just sat there and tried to figure it out before she said anything, but nothing made sense.

Grissom looked up to see her staring blankly at a wall and turned back to his work.

"I'm not sure." That was what she found herself saying, but she knew quite well what was wrong. It had to do with everything that had happened since she came to Las Vegas and everything from her past; it was all just hitting her now.

"Everything," she said now, though not sure if Grissom would know what she meant.

"How many vacation days do you have?"

"A few weeks, but I can't."

"I think you should."

"Being by myself wouldn't make anything better; I didn't even feel right being by myself in my apartment this morning."

"Well, would it make you feel better if you and I go for dinner later after shift and we could just talk or something?

"That'd be nice."

"Well, seeing as the Nick and Warrick just arrived, I'd say we'd better get to work then.

Sara smiled and felt a lot better. She was glad he suggested getting something to eat later; she probably wouldn't go home later anyway. She needed to be around someone; if she let herself think about everything in her life; she would start getting depressed and end up getting drunk or worse. She didn't need another DUI.


	2. Chapter 2 No solace for my pain

"What've we got today?" Nick asked as Grissom entered the room and got all of their attention.

"Alright, Nick, Sara, you guys are going to head down to the Mirage. Three people checked in, three people were found dead in their hotel room. Cath, you, Warrick, and Greg are going to this address," he handed Warrick a paper with the information on it, "Brass will fill you in on the details and I'll meet up with you later." He mentioned to Sara and Nick

"Got it," Warrick replied and he and the rest of the team headed out to their crime scenes.

Nick got in the passenger's side of Sara's Denali and they headed over to the Mirage. After talking to one of the officers outside, they headed up to the 36th floor and checked out the scene.

"Wow, this place is a mess," Nick looked around the room, "Everything is covered in blood."

"And apparently, someone doesn't like the food service here, all the plates are smashed." Sara looked around and studied the crime scene.

She examined one of the bodies. "There are wounds on the throat and wrists." She got a swab and collected some blood for tests. "From what I can see, the weapon was small and sharp; maybe a pocket knife?"

Nick had been rummaging through an open drawer. "I didn't find any weapon, but I have a notepad here. It might be able to tell us something; looks like it may have been used." He placed the notepad in a plastic bag and continued through the drawer; there was a bible. Nick opened it up and flipped through it. Inside there was a small folded piece of paper.

"What's this?" He took it out and unfolded it to reveal a note, "It says, "I'm sorry, God. You made me do this." Nick flipped the paper over and read the few words that had been written there, "I SEE YOU."

"What the hell?" Sara said and turned around, looking about the room.

"Do you know if that officer did a full and complete search of this whole suite?"

"He said the maid found the bodies and showed them to her and that's it."

"Stay here," he got out his gun and moved towards the doorway. Slowly, he pointed his gun in front of him and turned the corner only to find an empty bathroom.

He turned around shook his head and then moved to the bedroom to the left. Same; nobody in sight. Turning the corner, he went to investigate the other bathroom and closet in there.

Sara glanced around nervously; she had never been in a situation like this before. She became more uneasy when the small closet by the door opened about an inch. Frozen stiff; she didn't know whether to go over and open the door or hold her breath and wait for Nick to come back in a few minutes.

Too late; the door opened more, still so slowly. Sara watched it all in what seemed like slow motion. She tried so hard to yell, but it was useless now. It was all over. Inside, she knew that someone was going to come out of there and she'd end up a murder case; hopefully the night shift wouldn't have to investigate.

It opened more and more and inside it was dark; too dark to actually see anything inside, except for the shine of light reflecting off of something metallic. And just as she had played out in her mind moments before, someone came tumbling out of the closet, but it wasn't what she had expected. The reflected light from a knife came from a knife that was lodged in this person's chest and he was bleeding profusely.

She breathed a sigh of relief, "Nick!"

He came running into the other room and rushed to help the injured person. Sara stood there for a second and then came over, too. "Go get help," she said, "I'll radio Grissom and try to get him over here."

"Here, take my gun. I'll be back soon."

Sara nodded and then knelt down to help the victim. "Sir, we're getting you help. Stay with me." She took out the knife from his chest and put some pressure on the wound. The man looked at her; he saw what she was doing.

With all of his energy, he grabbed the knife from the floor and stabbed her in the side, though not deep enough to cause any serious damage.

Sara gasped out in pain and backed off from the man. What the hell, she thought and grabbed Nick's gun from beside her, pointing it at the man who lay on the floor dying.

She grabbed the radio from her side, "This is Sara, I need some help up here."

She got up and limped to the doorway; carefully walking close to the wall and farthest away from the man who had just tried to kill her. She limped out into the barren hallway and started towards the elevator. It seemed to take an eternity for the elevator to arrive at her floor. Nobody was on it; was that good or bad? It didn't matter, she just needed to get down to the ground level and get some help. Once again, she got her radio and tried to get a hold of Nick. "Nick, I'm using the elevator and I'll be down in a few minutes. That man, he needs help more than I do, even if he tried to kill me. Get paramedics."

Thank god the elevator didn't stop at any other floors, she thought. The doors opened and she limped out and found a spot by the wall to sit down against and wait for someone to come.

Finally, she heard a voice, "Sara?" It wasn't Nick who was calling her name, but Grissom who rushed over to her.

"I was stabbed, but I'm fine."

Grissom knew she wasn't "fine." "No you aren't, Sara." He gave her a hand and helped her up and then she put her arm around his shoulder and he helped her walk down the hallway to the paramedics. "I'm glad you're okay. When Nick said you'd been hurt, I pictured the worst. I didn't know what had happened today and if something had happened that night with the DUI, I don't know what I would have done."


	3. Chapter 3 Pushed Away Again

A few moments later, they got outside and to the ambulance. Sara sat down and the paramedics began looking her over.

"Take care of yourself," Grissom told her before he left to talk with Brass, "I'll see you later."

Her attention turned to the two men that were checking to make sure she was alright. Her mind was racing now after her conversation with Grissom; it was hard to concentrate on everything at once.

"Miss, we're taking you to the hospital. The bleeding isn't too bad, but you'll be needing stitches and you probably shouldn't walk around for few hours."

Sara nodded and they laid her on the stretcher in the back of the ambulance and started off to the hospital. It was only a few minutes drive and they pulled up into the emergency room parking lot and got the stretcher out of the back. Before long, her wound was being stitched up and she was taken to one of the rooms and put on mild pain killers. It didn't take long for her to fall asleep.

A nurse walked into the room and that was when Sara woke up; only a couple hours later.

"Miss Sidle? I'm your nurse, I'm just going to check your stitches and make sure everything is in check."

The nurse pulled the covers away and took a look at the wound. After a cursory inspection, she looked back at Sara, "Everything checked out okay. The wound wasn't really that deep, but it was pretty large on a whole. There was minor bleeding, so not much blood was lost, but the whole area is bruised black and blue. We'll have you on pain killers for today and when you leave I'd suggest taking some Motrin or Tylenol every few hours. Doctor Leitz will come in to check you later to make sure you're fit to leave."

"Thank-you."

The nurse left and the room was dark and quiet again; sleep came over Sara once more.

"Hey Sara," said a voice softly and someone brushed the hair off her face. "Wake up."

Slowly, Sara opened her eyes and saw someone standing in front of her, it was Grissom.

"Hey, how are you? I came to pick you up. The doctor said you could leave when I came to see you. I skived off of dinner to see how you were."

"I'm fine. How'd the case go?"

"The man who stabbed you, Mr. Larry Hammermen, was out murdered. As it turns out, he died shortly after he was rushed to the hospital, but the evidence got him with a direct hit."

"I hate it when I miss something. She leaned up; if you're ready to go then we can go," she said, "I just need to get changed and you can drop me off at my place I guess."

"Alright, I'll let you get out of the hospital clothes and then we can go." He stepped out of the room for a few minutes and then they checked out and Grissom helped Sara out with her crutches. Before long, they were driving down the roads towards Sara's place.

"Hey, I'm sorry about making you miss dinner. Want to grab a cup of coffee?" Sara suggested.

"Sorry, can I take a rain check?" He asked, "I'm not feeling too great, I think something's going around the lab. Our Greggo was coughing on me all day."

"Oh," Sara was a bit disappointed, "Right, well I guess I'll see you at the lab then."

They pulled into the parking lot and Sara got out. "You need any help?" Grissom asked out of sincerity.

She shook her head, "I'm fine."

"Alright, get well soon."

"Thanks." She walked up to the door and went inside, then turned around to look out the small window and watch Grissom pull away. The elevator arrived and she stepped in and pressed the buttons labeled number five.

He did it to her again; pushed her away. He did this to her every time. She wished she could tell him how she felt, but that would never happen. And she felt inside that he was the only one that could make her feel better, even if he didn't love her, even if he mad her even more angry, he just had something about her that made her feel okay. But, he would never feel the same way she felt about him.


	4. Chapter 4 Can't Think Of What To Say To ...

Sara didn't know what to do. It was times like these that she'd head out to a bar and drink. She'd just drink all of her troubles away, but that wasn't an option now. She was getting counseling for that, she wouldn't let her whole team down by going out and getting drunk again. No.

Maybe she should just leave. She was so tired of getting hurt, so sick and tired of everything. She could go back to California, or better yet, somewhere else; somewhere far away. Maybe she could move up to the northeast, she heard it was nice up there in the fall. She could start over; try to live a better life. It would be better for everyone.

For now, though, she went into her small living room and turned on the television. She turned on the Discovery Channel; something she might be able to stand watching. Why did she even have a TV? She never watched it; it merely sat there all day and night, collecting dust. Every show constantly reminded her that the rest of the world had lives and had fun, but not her. She hated reality shows; since when did everyday people get left on an island for a month or have the chance of a lifetime to work for Donald Trump. She hated talk shows. Why did she need to listen to other people's problems? The news was no better. That was a constant reminder of what could happen to her; people getting drunk and ending up dead somewhere. She shuddered at the thought. For now, she watched a show about the prehistoric creatures. It was nothing of her interests, but it kept her mind off of other things.

Hours droned by and she hadn't moved from the spot. Her eyelids grew tired; she couldn't hold them open any longer. Sleep soon came over her.

In the noise, she heard a ringing. It wouldn't end; it buzzed highly over everything else, getting louder and louder. The phone.

She opened her eyes and reached for the receiver. "Sidle."

It was Greg, "Sara? Hey, you're late. Grissom gave out assignments and told me to give you a call. Are you coming in today?"

She looked at the clock on the TV, "Yeah, give me a few minutes. I'll be there soon."

"Alright, bye."

"Bye."

She hung up the phone and got up groggily from the couch. It was time for work again; time to go back to the heaven and hell of her life. She thought she would be able to forget it all; it's alright to make mistakes, right? No, because every day she was tortured and ridiculed for every stupid thing she'd ever done. And yet, being around the people that were her only friends and family was a secret solace for her pain.

She threw on a pair of jeans and a long sleeve black shirt, then put her hair up in a messy bun and grabbed her keys off the counter. Locking the door behind her, she headed out to her Black Denali. It took her a few minutes to walk there; her side still hurt from the wound, but she was strong, she could take the pain. A few minutes later, she was at the lab again and she found Greg in the hallway talking to Grissom.

"Feeling better, Sara?" Grissom asked.

"Yeah, what've we got?"

"Murder?; It's in the River Springs development on the left side of the strip. Take Greggo here with you and after I file some paperwork that was left over, I'll get over there."

"Sure, come on, Greg, let's go."

Greg walked out of the room, along with Sara's keys that she handed him. Sara, however, stayed behind.

"Grissom," she started, "Can we talk, later though. I just… well, you owe me a cup of coffee."

"Are you alright?"

"Can I tell you later?"

"Sure, see you, Sara."

What was she going to go with him? Every time she tried to tell him how much she would love for them to have something, he never got it. Would this time be any different? Probably not, but she thought it was worth a shot. All she wanted to know was that he cared and that he loved her back.

Secretly, she felt that he never had and never would.

Greg and Sara started processing the scene. It was a quaint house; the sort of picturesque one that you see in million dollar movies where the most perfect people live so happily. However, Las Vegas was nothing like the movies and Sara knew that even in such a perfect looking neighborhood, terrible things happened. Inside, the house was all but a pretty scene. On the couch, laid the body of a young man, covered in blood and two bullet hole wounds in his abdomen. The TV was still on, playing an action movie that Sara didn't know the title of. She walked into the kitchen; the scene was not so different than the living room. A young woman collapsed on the floor, most likely shot to death.

Sara spotted a bullet on the floor. It didn't seem as though it was a missed shot; it was still completely intact and it just looked like it fell out of the gun or was even placed there by someone; trying to mislead them? She placed the bullet into a plastic bag and moved towards the body, taking pictures from several angles and then checking for any marks. There was only one; the woman had been shot once in the back of the head. She probably didn't even see it coming. Sara searched slowly around the scene, looking for anything out of place. There was tons of evidence; apparently, the killer was very careless. Sara bagged two hairs from the woman's body and found bloody finger prints in the doorway; whether they were from the Vic or the assailant, she wouldn't know for sure until she got everything back to the lab.

She finished up and some men came in to take the body to the morgue. They also took away the body from the couch in the living room where Greg was working.

"Find anything useful?" Sara asked.

"Actually, yes, footprints." He responded. "Size 11 by the looks of it and they don't seem to belong to our Vic in here."

"Great."

Sara pictured the scene using what evidence they had so far. She saw a man come in through the front door, holding a .38 handgun. He walked into the kitchen. Bang; the woman was dead, shot from behind. The husband heard the noise and sat up from the couch that was down the hallway from the kitchen; he probably didn't even hear the gunman come in. He looked up and before he could even register what had happened, was shot in the chest, twice, before he died as well.

"Uh, Sara?" Greg saw her staring at one of the walls and sensed she was thinking something important.

"Yeah, I know what happened, but we still don't know who are killer is and why he killed our Vics."

"Well, I think this is as good as it gets. Let's take this back to the lab."

Grissom had never showed up, but Sara was a bit glad. She didn't want to talk to him yet; not that she knew what the she was going to say. She couldn't even think of anything; her mind was blank. Sara had never been good when it came to people skills.

"Hey, Grissom, we need to talk, but I'm not sure what to say." She imagined how stupid it would look if she said that. What else was there to say? Would he understand her if she just said that? She'd have to find out later.


	5. Chapter 5 Coffee

Just as she had expected, Grissom was there sitting alone in his office. She passed by and stopped after the doorway. For a moment, she just looked at him, trying to think about what she was going to talk to him about. Why had she asked him in the first place? She didn't know what to say. Soon enough, he sense her presence.

"You are allowed in my office, you know," he smiled but didn't look up.

"I can see you've been busy lately; it isn't like you, not showing up at the crime scene."

"I've had all kind of paperwork to file and then Ecklie came in and we had a talk."

"Oh." She remembered the last "talk" Ecklie had had with her; it hadn't been very amusing. "I can't stand that man."

Grissom stayed silent, Sara could tell he shared her feelings about Ecklie and decided to change the subject before he took out his anger on her by mistake.

"Did I mention that you still owe me a coffee? And I don't mean in the Styrofoam cups from the break room."

"Uhh…"

Luckily, for Grissom anyway, Catherine showed up in the doorway, saving Grissom for a few minutes.

"Grissom, can I talk to you for a minute or so?"

"Sure," he got up from his desk, giving a small smile to Sara as he walked by her and out into the hallway.

Sara still didn't know what she was doing there in Grissom's office and she still didn't know what to say to him, but as if her thoughts were answered, Grissom came back in.

"How about we take a break in an hour? At that coffee shop just off the strip…"

"Sure." She got up. "I suppose I'll see you then. Bye."

Inside, she felt happier than she had ever felt, well, except that day only a year and a half after she had came to Las Vegas. She remembered it all quite vividly, actually.

---

There they sat, in the bleachers at the skating arena where a hockey player had been murdered. Sara hadn't been happy with her life, particularly Grissom then. They had had their arguments, but she still loved him and yet, he just pushed her away. She couldn't handle it anymore.

And then, in the heat of the argument, he had come through.

"Since when have you been interested in beauty?" Sara asked angrily.

"Since I saw you."

Those four words were all it took to make her change her mind about him. She was so confused, but a small smile played upon her lips.

---

Suddenly, she recalled time after time all the moments after that Grissom pushed her further and further away. She knew that he felt the same, or at least he did once, but now she wasn't sure. He cared about her, but he also cared about the whole team. Never, did he give her any return of feeling and time after time, Sara had retreated home after the shift to lay in bed and cry herself to sleep.

But she had a newly discovered hope this time. Something was different; it felt as though it was now or never that she tell him at least some of the truth.

She walked in and found a seat off to the side, by a small window. It was early yet, and Grissom hadn't shown up, so she busied herself in reading; it was an article on new research on DNA. In the background of her thoughts, she heard someone moved towards her and set something on the table, then move the chair from across from her and sit down.

Looking up, she greeted him, "Hey Grissom."

"What are you reading?"

"An article by William Scotsman on DNA, quite interesting actually."

A woman came over to take their orders.

"A coffee please, one cream and two sugars," Grissom said and then turned to Sara.

She quickly turned up from the article, "Oh, uh, hot chocolate, please."

The waitress turned away and Grissom spoke again.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

She put the article back in her bag and looked up, "Us."

"There is no "Us", Sara," Grissom said, "I think you mean to say "you and I.""

She had been right all along, she knew he was going to do this to her again. He continually pushed her away from him, and then brought her close, only to repeat what he did before. Little did he know that every time he did that, it hurt her so much.

Lucky for Grissom, their drinks were brought out and Sara still hadn't replied to his remark. She simply drank her hot chocolate and watched him drink his coffee.

"Why are you so afraid? I thought I was friends with someone fearless, intelligent, and brave. All I see now is you running away from your life. Frankly, I get sick every time you do this." She left a ten on the table, "For the coffee and hot chocolate." Whatever hope she had of Grissom ever admitting that he felt something for her was drained from her mind. It was over.


	6. Chapter 6 Tears

Here's a short chapter to prepare for the next and to give you something to read while I write the next chapters. Thanks for reading, enjoy!

Since I haven't had one in a while…

Disclaimer: Yeah, I own CSI and did you know that I'm best friends with Peter Jackson and the Lord of the Rings cast? (Haha, yeah right…. But a CSI fan can daydream can't they? D )

She walked out of there, shaking her head to herself. It was a mystery why she ever fell in love with him. It was a mystery why she ever loved at all. Every time she let herself become emotionally attached to someone, she ended up crying, or worse, nearly hurting herself severely, accidentally or not. For now, though, she told herself that she was over the man who had caused her so much heart break and head ache over the past few years. He was gone from her life, except for the fact that he was her boss, but she'd have to deal with that; like how she dealt with all kinds of people she didn't particularly like over the course of her life. People were just something you had to put up with and not let get to you. She had known that years ago, but now she was finally realizing it.

To add to her perfect day of misery, raindrops fell into her car windshield and her spirits dampened more. They grey skies mocked her and so did life. While others were happy, she was miserable. In the lab, she would sit there trying to figure everything out and meanwhile, in the next room over, Greg and the guys were laughing and watching football or something. Even Grissom was intent, staying in his office, talking to Catherine and even Sophia. And there she was, alone again.

There she was, alone again. She placed her things down on the counter and put a piece of toast in the toaster, then sat down at the counter. Her house was empty. Sure, she had furniture and the walls were painted and her bookshelves overcrowded with all the books she had from over the years, but it didn't have that feeling. It felt empty and hollow.

The toast popped and she took it out and buttered it and made a cup of tea. To stop herself from crying, she took a bite of the toast and stared and the counter top. It was useless, the tears still made their way down her pale cheeks. It wasn't the first time this had happened and it wouldn't be the last; she knew that much, but she didn't know what would happen tomorrow or the next time she had to face Grissom.

What would she do when she came into work later and had to face him? Right now, she knew she wouldn't be able to handle it, but she would have to. He was her boss and she wouldn't quit a job over someone; she wouldn't give up on something because of someone, she had done that before too many times and it wasn't worth it. She was sick of punishing herself when other people stopped caring about her. It was time to realize that there was nothing she could do about that and that life would go on, somehow.

But could she really stop thinking about him? Could she really just see him as just her boss? How could she stop seeing Grissom as the only man that was right for her if she had had feelings for him since she came to Las Vegas? No, but could she give him another chance?


	7. I guess I was always yours

She heard someone at the door, but decided not to answer it. Long before she had finished her tea and took to her bed which offered some warmth and was a place she could just lay there and let her emotions go. Knocking; she finally got up to see who it was, wiping her tearful eyes on her sleeve as she walked towards the door. She unlocked the door, but kept the chain latched and then slowly opened it.

It was the exact person she had been hoping that she wouldn't have to see until next shift, but there he was now, standing in her door way; Grissom. Instead of greeting him, she shut the door and locked it then retreated back to the kitchen to get something to drink.

"Sara," he said sternly and loudly, "We-I…"

_How is it so hard for him to talk? Why is he afraid? I've known him for years and all he does is push me away. What have I done to deserve being abused like this?_ She wondered.

She heard her friend walk down the hallway of the apartments and she heard something slip underneath the door; a folded piece of paper. Picking it up, she read its contents:

Sara,

I'm sorry.  
Grissom

_But what did it mean? What was he sorry for? Was he sorry for all that he had done to her or was he sorry that he thinks a relationship could never work between them? Gil Grissom; would he always remain a mystery?_

She took the note and folded it back up and then placed it on the counter. It was happening again; her heart was telling her to forgive Grissom, but her intellect was telling her that Grissom had damaged her enough and that it was time to move on. Sara couldn't decide yet, which of her own advice to follow. Maybe she couldn't plan out her personal life in a day planner look somewhere to know what exactly comes next. There are too many twists and turns in life for everything to work out how you want it to. She was just realizing this now. She was also realizing that she had to take care of things herself; she couldn't just wait there and see if Grissom will ever come around and tell her how she feels.

But didn't he already tell her how he feels? Didn't he say explicitly that there was no "Us?" Didn't that mean that he didn't return her feelings or was it really just that he was too afraid to admit anything?

She'd have to think about it later; she had exactly one hour until next shift and she tried her best to never be late. After a quick shower, she dressed and headed out to her car, where she found another note taped to her window.

Sara,

I'm not sure how to say exactly what I'm thinking. This is another reason why I'm like this. Life is so unpredictable and science proves to be no help in solving all of my questions. Can we talk in my office?

Grissom

_Is that his reasoning? Life is unpredictable so he can't decide whether he loves her or not? What kind of answer is that? Sure, life was unpredictable, but hadn't she had to cope with it since she was a child. No, she hadn't found answers to all of her questions, but she had managed to get buy and to live her life. What was Grissom but an empty shell who knew not how to live life for whatever it may give you. Is that all he is; an empty shell?_

The drive to the lab was short and on most days that was fine, but today she wished there was something to keep her from getting there so early. However, she couldn't delay the moment when she would have to face Grissom again much longer and after setting down her stuff, she walked quietly to his office.

He was performing some experiment and mustn't have heard her come in for he did not look up. Silently, she stood in the doorway, watching him work. He was a robot; everything he did seemed to be programmed precisely and there were few mistakes. The room was silent, save for the scratch of Gil Grissom's pen on the paper as he took notes. Finally, Sara strode further into the room and Grissom noticed her presence.

"Hey," Sara said, in a sort of shy way.

He already seemed lost in her presence and didn't answer for some while, "Hi, I have something for you." From a drawer, he pulled out a book and handed it to her. Sara was not surprised, it was an entomology book.

"What's this for?" Sara asked, confused.

He didn't answer, but the book did. She opened it up and saw a message in his handwriting.

_Sara, _

_Please forgive me for all that I've put you through. I always thought you were beautiful, but then again, I always thought how young you were with a wonderful life ahead of you and that you shouldn't be wasting your life on me. All those times I pushed you away, I was also pushing myself away from the happiness I knew that we could have. _

_Grissom_

Sara was utterly shocked and looked back at him, speechless. _He thinks I'm beautiful and he loves me? What is this, a joke? I bet Catherine made him write that to her. It was all some kind of joke and the rest of the team was going to jump out from behind the desk and go "Haha, you believed it, didn't you!?" That was always how it turned out in her dreams. Was this just another dream? Was the same thing about to happen? _

"I understand if you're angry with me," Grissom said and then went back to typing up something on the computer.

After a few more moments of silence, Sara spoke, "I'm not angry; not anymore."

He looked up at her and said, "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were."

"I guess I was always yours," Sara said and smiled.

…_The end…_

_He looked up at her and said, "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." _

_-That little quote, I found on … it's by Anon_

_Hope you liked my story. Thanks for reviews… D_


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